Ferris: How can I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?
Teacher: (taking attendance) Bueller?....... Bueller?.......Bueller?
Girl: Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.
Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
playsick.wav (74K)(8kHz sample)
Ferris plays "The Blue Danube" on his keyboard using sampled coughs and sick sounds.
Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
Mr. Rooney: He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this student body.
Grace: He makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed.
Grace: The sportos and motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads... they all adore him. They think he's a rightous dude.
Cameron : (pretending to be Sloane's dad) Pardon my French... but you're an asshole!
Cameron: (as Sloane's dad) Now you just mind you P's and Q's buster.... and remember who your dealing with.
Ferris: Bueller. Ferris Bueller.
Cameron: He'll keep callin' me.... he'll keep callin' me until I go over. He'll make me feel guilty...THIS IS.... This is ridiculous, ok? I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go... wai.. I'll go... shit.
(car starts... then stops, sounds of Cameron hitting his hand against the car's seat)
GOD DAMMIT! ......
(car starts and roars... Cameron screams... car stops.)
Forget it... that's it.
Cameron: The 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion...
Ferris: ..it is his fault he didn't lock the gararge.
Snooty Maitre D': I appreciate your understanding.
Ferris: Don't think twice. It's understanding that makes it possible for people like us to tolerate a person like yourself.
Maitre D': Thank you.
Ferris: Don't mention it.
Cameron: Eh... batta batta batta batta suuuwing batta... c'mon..
Ferris/Cameron: Eh... batta batta batta suuuwing batta...
Cameron: Hecan'thithecan'thithecan'thithecan'thithecan'thit suuuuwing batta...
Ferris: Ladies and gentlemen, you're such a wonderful crowd we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites, and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Cameron Frye... this one's for you.
(Ferris lip synchs the first verse of "Danke Shein.") .
Ferris: Here's where Cameron goes bezerk.
Cameron screams forever.
Cameron: Whoa...... Holy shit!
Hood: There's somebody you should talk to.
Jeannie: If you say "Ferris Bueller" you lose a testicle.
Hood: Oh, you know him?
Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Ed Roonie: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.
Cameron: Ferris Bueller, you're my hero.
Ferris: Hi. Do you speak English?
Ethnic Parking Garage Attendant: Uh, what country do you think this is?
Sloan: The city looks so peaceful from up here.
Ferris: Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.
Cameron: I think I see my dad.
Ferris: A) You can never go too far and B) if I'm going to get caught, it's not going to be by a guy like that.
Ed Rooney: Are you aware that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Mrs. Bueller: Uh, no.
Ed Rooney: He's been absent nine times.
Mrs. Bueller: Nine times?
Ed Rooney: Nine times. [Checks computer screen, Ferris's absence totals have counted down to two.]
Ferris at his home PC: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
Grace: Oh, Ed. You just sounded like Dirty Harry just then.
Ed Rooney: Really? Thanks, Grace.
Ferris Bueller: Cameron's house is like a museum. It's very cold, and very beautiful, and you're not allowed to touch anything.
Snooty Maitre D': You're Abe Froman? The sausage king of Chicago?
Ferris: Yep. That's me.
Ed Rooney: Between grief and nothing... I'll take grief.
Cameron: This is Edward Rooney we're talking about. The man could crush my balls into oblivion.
Economics Teacher: Thank you, Simone
Simone: No problem whatsoever.
Sloan: What are we going to do?
Ferris: The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"
Cameron: Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home.
Ferris: If you had access to a car like this, would you take it back right away? Neither would I.
Jeannie Bueller: There is an intruder - male, Caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird - in my kitchen.
[Sheen, Charlie]: Drugs?
Jeannie Bueller: Thank you, no. I'm straight.
[Sheen, Charlie]: I meant, are you in here for drugs?
Jeannie Bueller: Why are you here?
[Sheen, Charlie]: Drugs.
Jeannie Bueller: I don't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys would make me go to school.
Ferris Bueller: I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me". A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
Ferris Bueller: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. A lot of people will tell you that a phony fever is a dead lock, but if you get a nervous mother, you could land in the doctor's office. That's worse than school. What you do is, you fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
Garage Attendant: You guys got nothing to worry about, I'm a professional.
Cameron: A professional what?
Ed Rooney: Les jeus sont faites. Translation: the jig is up. Your ass is mine.
Singing Nurse: I heard that you were feeling ill / Headache, fever, and a chill / I came to help restore your pluck / 'Cause I'm the nurse who likes to...
Ed Rooney: I don't trust this kid any farther than I can throw him.
Grace: With your bad knee Ed, you shouldn't throw anybody.
Ed Rooney: What's so terrible about a kid like Ferris is he gives good kids bad ideas. Last thing I need in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls.